As the days pass and I post more blogs I’ve become aware of a growing commitment to actually really doing this project. It’s a little scary to be honest as it means I have to follow through, instead of just day dreaming about it!
Although I’ve been experiencing moments of fear I’ve also become aware of a deepening trust in this process. Whenever the fears come up, saying stuff like “ahhh you know it’s not going to work” or “you’re just arrogant, who are you to think your idea makes any sense at all”, I’ve looked at them, noticed what I’ve been doing I just let them melt away and move on. The fears are becoming more and more transparent and are losing their grip on me. In these moments, and in general, I feel there is nothing in the way, and I really trust I will find my way.
I’m also quite relaxed about it. In the past I would get over-excited and wrapped up in the buzz of it all, which usually wears off pretty quickly and your left searching for inspiration. I’m not sure why but there is a deep resolve in me and I know I am going to follow through, which hasn’t really been there in the past. It’s probably a combination of things: getting older (40 next year!), getting married, having a baby (that really changes how you relate to being here!) and also I’ve been struggling with my health which has pointed back to stress from my day job and I really need to change this. At the same time I also feel very deeply that there is something more mysterious to this whole process of life and how change happens. It’s a beautiful process really. You walk through life with your best intentions, trying to do this thing or that thing, and the next thing you know you’ve tripped and ended up in ditch. While you’re laying there you look up and you can see the stars… and there it is: ‘Oh it’s the simple reality of being here!’ OK so that’s just a metaphor but I can honestly say that all the beauty that has come to me over the last few years has been a surprise, and for me a real miracle.
I have a lot of faith in life, even with all it’s pain, suffering and total craziness. Sometimes we just have to trust, and right now I’m really feeling that lesson. I’ve trusted deeply at different times throughout my life, and it’s always worked out, although maybe in the way I had hoped or imagined. But right now it’s my only real guide, because at the end of day, none of us has a clue where this wild ride called life is heading. Time to dive!